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RPM Challenge


Feb
06.12

Posted in Music, Work Schmerk | No Comments »

So yeah.  I’m not really interested in talking about last night’s game.  I would offer my congratulations to Giants fans (except for you, Bonnie Rae.  I’m happy for you…) but, let’s face it, I’m not that nice a person.  As you well know.

I do, however, have to take a moment to acknowledge my co-workers and my group of unwashed “inventory specialists.”  My co-workers were very generous in keeping game details to themselves so when I left The Store (during half time, even) I had no idea how the game was going.  None at all.  And then there were my “inventory specialists”… although you all desperately needed a close encounter with a bar of soap and a nicotine patch, you were amongst the most competent group with which I’ve worked (which isn’t really saying a whole lot but, still…).  I appreciate your efforts and would offer you all high fives if I was a person who did such things.

Moving on…

Today I’m talking about the RPM Challenge.  It takes place during the month of February and is to musicians what NaNoWriMo is to writers.  The challenge is to write and record an album (35 minutes, approximately ten songs) in twenty eight (well, twenty nine, this year) days.  The Man (who, in another lifetime, was a rock and roll god) reports that this is insanity which really does put it on the same par as NaNoWriMo.  What’s that?  You want me to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days?  No problemo!

My very excellent friend, Mike, is participating in this event.  It’s his second year doing it.  He created a solo project called Addlepated (like it on Facebook!) and last spring he released the first album “Lost in the Snow” (available for download on Bandcamp!).

I actually have a writing credit on “Lost In The Snow.”  I wrote the lyrics to track #5 entitled “Maelstrom” which is based on a character in my (possibly never to see the light of day) novel, Effigy.  Mike has always been a fan of my writing (go figure) and asked if he could write an album based on it.  The whole album’s never come to fruition but there are a couple of songs.  “Maelstrom” is the first.

“Fight or Flight” will be the second and will be appearing on Mike’s RPM album this year.  I’ll post the lyrics for both these songs later this week.  So, I guess, consider yourselves warned…

But anyway, I just want tell all the RPM Challenge participants that I’m rooting for them.  Good luck to you all!

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Inventory Preparedness


Feb
05.12

Posted in Work Schmerk | No Comments »

So today’s the big day.

It’s Inventory Day.

Yeah, I know you thought I’d say Superbowl Sunday what with it being Superbowl Sunday featuring my beloved Patriots but the America hating communists in The Store’s corporate office decided to make it Inventory Sunday.

I hemmed and hawed about quitting and obviously came down on on the not quitting side because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because it felt like a jerk thing to do and, for some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to be that kind of a jerk.  Pretty surprising, I know, when you consider what kind of a jerk I am normally, but stranger things have happened, I suppose.

Anyway, when the Pats take the field today and the big game begins, I’ll be at The Store counting socks and ice scraper mitts and tee shirts and belts and everything else in that godforsaken place.  If you’ve never partaken in a retail inventory, here’s a list of what is necessary in order to come out on the other side:

1.  An ability to count quickly and accurately.  In the event that only one of these qualities is available, the ability to count accurately is preferred.  Ironically, these qualities are oftentimes absent from the so called “inventory specialists” The Store hires to execute our inventory.  It makes for a truly aggravating special experience.

2.  A sense of humor.  Because someone will invariably start shouting out random numbers at you while you’re counting a massive stack of tee shirts.  A sense of humor will be instrumental in NOT killing this person.

3.  A sense of patience.  Did you read number one?  Seriously, some of these people can only accurately count the minutes between their cigarette breaks.  I really don’t like smokers who think their nicotine addiction entitles them to additional time off.  I’m addicted to chocolate and yet I don’t get frequent chocolate breaks, do I?

4.  A high tolerance for B.O.  Because, yeah, counting isn’t the only challenge for the so called “inventory specialists.”  Apparently, personal hygiene is also a stumper.  Bring your nose plugs, kids!

5.  Snacks.  You’re going to be stuck in that store for a very long time and though the store manager says she’ll order pizza, there’s a good chance she’ll either forget or forget that you  happen to be a vegetarian who would not be interested in a twelve meat pizza.  Plus, if you bring snacks, you don’t have that embarrassing moment when you get all excited to find a stale granola bar in the back of your locker.  Or so I’ve heard.  Because I’ve never done that.

6.  A fifth of whiskey, scotch, vodka or your liquor of choice.  Turn the night into a drinking game!  Whenever a so called “inventory specialist” calls for a sku check, do a shot.  Whenever a so called “inventory specialist” miscounts a shelf, do a shot.  Whenever a so called “inventory specialist” needs a cigarette break, do a shot.  Whenever the Store Manager and the Assistant Manager start fighting with each other, do a shot (actually…better not do that one.  It’ll lead to alcohol poisoning.  All they do is fight.).

7.  A ride home.  Drinking games should always be played responsibly, my friends.  In the event of a truly disastrous crew of so called “inventory specialists”, do not pass go.  Do not collect $200…proceed immediately to the nearest emergency room.

All right, that’s the list you need to survive a normal store inventory.  The next list is comprised of the items you’ll  need to survive an inventory held on Superbowl Sunday when your beloved Patriots are set to take the field.  Not that you’re at all pissed off over having to work because you’re not that petty a person.

1.  A DVR.  Recording the game for later viewing is a MUST.

2.  The Sensory Deprivator 5000.  This is a reference to the legendary sitcom “How I Met Your Mother”’s episode “Monday Night Football” in which the main characters are unable to watch the Superbowl live and make a pact not to find out the score of the game so they can watch it the following day.  Hilarity ensues.  Ted wears specially designed glasses to prevent him from seeing/hearing anything as he makes a trip to the sports bar to pick up the food for the big game.  These glasses (seen on the right, or maybe above…) are the Sensory Deprivator 5000.  They are a MUST for a superbowl inventory because your stupid boss thinks that putting the game on a static-y radio so you can listen to it in the comfort of a store that smells like unwashed nicotine addicted so called “inventory specialists” is equivalent to watching it at home in the comfort of your living room surrounded by pizza and beer and your digital flat screen television.  Note to management:  It isn’t.

3.  A sign pinned to your chest proclaiming “I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE SCORE. DO NOT TELL ME THE SCORE. I HAVE A BOX CUTTER AND I WILL USE IT ON YOU SHOULD YOU TELL ME THE SCORE OR REACT TO THE GAME IN ANY WAY ANYWHERE IN MY VIEWING OR HEARING RADIUS. AND, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE REALLY GOOD HEARING. SO BACK OFF.”

4.  Your lucky Patriots tee shirt.  They haven’t lost a game when you’ve been wearing that shirt so if anyone thinks you won’t be wearing it on Superbowl Sunday, they’re out of their freaking minds.  So what if the tee shirt is a blatant violation of The Store’s dress code?  What are they going to do?  Fire you?  We should be so lucky.

5.  A new job.  One that doesn’t require you to work high holidays like Superbowl Sunday.

Now one last thing before I go to work…

LET’S GO NEW ENGLAND!!!!

You know, just in case you weren't sure who my team was...

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Holiday Weekend Wrap Up


Nov
29.11

Posted in Work Schmerk, Writing | No Comments »

Well, I survived another holiday weekend at The Store.  And this time (to the marked disappointment of my fellow co-workers who hovered every time I answered the phone), I even managed to remember where I worked.  I also managed to disappoint a customer (yes, just the one) with the following conversation:

Him: Do you sell shoe laces?
Me: I’m sorry, we don’t.  But if you go down to the other end of the mall—
Him: How long are these?
Me: Your shoelaces?
Him: Yeah.
(customer sticks out his foot so I can see his shoelaces. I have no idea how long they are.)
Me: I’m sorry but I really can’t tell just by looking at them.
Him: You’re useless.
(customer walks away)
Me: Thanks for coming in today.

But really the highlight for me, personally, besides the lady who gave me permission to look down her pants (for real) so I could find out what size and style jean she was wearing (for real), was the following conversation with my co-worker and actual friend, Ruthie:

Me: I’m quitting next year. (fantasy #1).  I’m publishing my book (fantasy #2) and it’s going to sell a million copies (fantasy #3) and I won’t have to work here anymore.
Ruthie: No!  No, you can’t quit!  You can’t leave me here alone!
Me: I’m sorry but it’s going to happen. (fantasy #4)
Ruthie: Nope.  Nope.  If you publish your book, you know what I’m going to do?
Me: Buy a copy?
Ruthie: Nope.  I’m going to protest.  I’m going to get one of those sandwich board signs and protest in front of bookstores and tell everyone not to buy your book because it’s terrible and they won’t enjoy it.
Me: It’s adorable how you think my book would actually be found in bookstores.
Ruthie: Well, where will it be found?
Me: Online.
Ruthie: Fine.  Then I’m going to make one of those YouTube videos and tell everyone not to buy your book because it’s terrible and they won’t enjoy it.  And then your book won’t sell any copies and you’ll never be able to quit.
Me: Wow.  This is the kind of support of which every aspiring novelist dreams.
Ruthie: Hey, will you help me make a video?
Me: You bet.

So that was my holiday weekend.  Exhausting and painful (my face still hurts from all that fake smiling) but it’s done now and that’s all that matters because now I have the rest of the month off (by special request and yes, my phone is off so they can’t call me) to focus on winning NaNoWriMo.

I’m close.  I’m so close.  I’m (checks left hand sidebar) sitting at 47,312 words.  That means I have 2,688 left to write.  I have vowed not to sleep again until I hit 50,000.  Or until Thursday rolls around.  Whichever happens first.  But let’s face it, I’ll just fall asleep at my desk again (I’ve been doing that a lot this month) and wake up later with an imprint from my spiral notebook across my forehead.  And no, I won’t take a picture of that for you.

But sleep or no sleep, I will finish.  I won’t have finished back on the 25th like I had hoped, but I will finish.  I’m just not very excited about it.  At this time last year, I was positively giddy with the prospect of reaching the finish line.  I had a real feeling of accomplishment.

But not this year.

Nope, this year I’m more along the lines of “is this thing over yet?”  I just want to write the last 2688 words and then go in the other room and shred them all because this is Not. A. Good. Story.

I like the beginning.  I like the ending.  I just hate the middle.

But I’ve left it because December is for rewrites, after all.  Or, in my case, December is for complete and total obliteration.

Not exactly the NaNo experience I’d been hoping for but, hey, it happens.

So congratulations to my NaNoWriMo Writing Buddies who have already finished their projects.  I salute you (even if I am slightly green with jealousy).

And to my writing buddies who, like me, are thisclose to finishing, KEEP GOING!

See y’all on the other side…

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News, Notes and NaNo


Nov
21.11

Posted in Work Schmerk, Writing | 2 Comments »

Hey there, Hi there, Ho there.  You’re as welcome as can be!

And I’m obviously running on very little sleep so if this post has sort of a manic feel to it, you’ll know why.  Stayed up last night through the wee hours of the morning to work on my NaNoWriMo novel.  I had intended to spend most of the day Sunday doing the same thing but I spent it lost in a book that was already written (so much easier, mind you) and so I didn’t really knuckle down to work until after I’d watched The Walking Dead and knew I was in no danger of falling asleep any time soon.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Zombie shows are terrifying and gross (Note #1).  And also, I hope a walker eats Andrea because she’s irritating me (Note#2).

Moving on…

Somewhere this morning, I managed to limp across the 40k line on the NaNo thing.  I’d been doing word wars with a writer friend of mine.  She kicked my ass all night but I still managed a small milestone of my own.  The big 4-o. (News)

It’s surprising, really.  I mean, I didn’t start on time.  My first few NaNo days were spent not writing.  There’s really no way I should now be  so close to finishing, especially when one considers how pathetic my overall writing production has been all year long.  And yet.

It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! (news…please inform your local media outlets)

So my goal today is to write the remaining 10,000 words because today is my last day off until after the holiday weekend.  Veterans’ Day Weekend was another HUGE shopping weekend and that one left me pretty wrecked afterwards.  I did, however, manage to get the “most memorable moment” award (News. Of the pathetic variety) when I answered the phone at The Store like this:

“Thank you for calling… [insert rather long, awkward pause as I try to remember where exactly it is I work]…Shit, where do I work?  Oh!  The Store!  I work at The Store! This is MJ and how I can help you?”

In addition to making everyone within earshot delirious with laughter, I may also have gotten a slap on the wrist for my word choice.  I’m positive it’ll become a line on next year’s performance evaluation.

I really need a new job.  (Note#3 because this is definitely NOT news to anyone.)

So what was I writing about before I took y’all through another completely unrelated detour through the inner workings of my mind (sorry if I scared anyone)?  Right.  NaNoWriMo.

The Man has been great this month given all the turmoil.  He’s nearing his transformation into a NaNoWriMo widower.  There are just one small, tiny habit we need to stamp out:

WHEN IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO INTERRUPT THE WRITER AT WORK  (Note#4)

Hey honey, just thought you should know the house is on fire.

WHEN IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO INTERRUPT THE WRITER AT WORK  (Note #5)

Hey honey, they just changed the free song of the day on the new Google music service!

But other than that small transgression (which ended with me glaring at him until he said, “Oh. Did you want me to stop talking to you now?”), he’s been great.  Seriously, I give The Man a lot of crap (Note #6 because again, that shouldn’t be news to anyone. I am a horrible person with which to live) but he’s actually a pretty decent guy.  But if you tell him I told you that, I’ll deny it…

Anyway, I’m going to get back to work.  Those 10,000 words are not going to write themselves.  Wishing you all a happy and productive Monday.

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Work Haiku, Part Two


Oct
25.11

Posted in Random, Work Schmerk, Writing | 1 Comment »

I don’t really think this blog needs an introduction but just in case you’re a little confused, I decided a couple of weeks ago to write about my day at work.  In the form of a haiku.  Because I am just that creative.  Or bored.  I can never decide which one.

Anyway, the past few days at The Store have been…challenging (to say the least) and so to keep myself sane (saner?) and my co-workers in one piece, I decided to repeat the exercise.  This latest batch is a bit…uh…bitchier than the first as my sense of humor disappeared entirely for a while there but it’s all good now.  And do you want to know why?

The Store has run out of payroll and can’t afford to have me on the schedule for the rest of the week.

So here, for your reading pleasure, is a new slate of work haiku…

(more…)

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Fun At Work


Oct
16.11

Posted in Random, Work Schmerk, Writing | No Comments »

Well, all right.  This post should really be called ‘Fun At Work For Me’.  Because all this post is going to prove is just how big a word nerd I really am.  You know, in case you were still somehow unclear about that.

My last two shifts at The Store, I have amused and distracted myself by writing all about my day.  In haiku form.  Some of these made my Twitter feed and Facebook page.  Those would be the ones I managed to sneak in via my so-called smart phone when Management wasn’t hovering around enforcing their no-cell-phones-while-you’re-on-the-clock policy because apparently, they don’t pay me to tweet or update my facebook status.

Whatever, Management.

The point is, I had a blast doing this.  I really did.  While The Man didn’t seem to think it was a very good use of my time (This coming from the guy who routine has discussions with his co-workers on such deep topics like whether it is advisable to date robots),  I’ll probably do it again sometime.  Maybe with limericks.

You should probably consider yourselves warned.

And now, for your reading enjoyment (provided you’re still reading this), my day in haiku:


Heading off to work
Sometimes I think this job will
Be the death of me.

I am so tired.
Maybe I’ll take a nap on
This stack of cardboard

Never mind cardboard
I forgot about all the
new down comforters.

New down comforters
Make a much better place to
Take a nice long nap.

Wait…did I say nap?
Because what I meant to say
Was…No, I meant nap.

Creepy customer
Just won’t stop staring at me
Can I help you, sir?

Oh, wall of cardboard
Do you never shrink in size?
Please stop mocking me.

Are you kidding me?
It’s only been an hour?
It feels much longer.

A box labeled ‘heads’
Arrived at the store today
Scared to open it.

I think the time clock
Is really moving backwards.
This shift will not end.

Feeling shaky now.
Maybe skipping lunch was not
Such a good idea.

Stupid co-worker
Why must you annoy me so?
Please go away now.

Haven’t done much work
Wonder if that would change if
I stopped writing poems.

I don’t know why but
The new henley shirts smell bad
Where’s my hazmat suit?

Working in retail
Makes me so very glad I
Bothered with college

My co-worker is
The most annoying person.
I want to punch her.

It’s time to punch out
And run screaming for the hills
See you all next time…

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The Top Ten Things I’d Rather Do…


Oct
04.11

Posted in Random, Work Schmerk | No Comments »

…Than go to work today.

I am on my way to a shift at The Store.  I do not want to go to The Store today.  All right, let’s be honest.  I never want to go to The Store.  But today that feeling is worse than usual.  It’s October.  It was bound to happen.

And so because today is Top Ten Tuesday, I’d like to offer up for your viewing pleasure the top ten things I’d rather be doing (and trust me, it was difficult to narrow it down to only ten):

(more…)

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I Haz A Week Off!


Sep
19.11

Posted in Work Schmerk, Writing | No Comments »

You’ll have to pardon my bad grammar in the title there but I’m a little punch drunk with the realization that I don’t have to go to The Store at all this week.

That’s right.  I received a week off.  I don’t know if it was some kind of oversight or something but I decided not to ask.  When I saw my name and the total lack of hours next to it, I whooped and hollered and shrieked, “I don’t have any hours next week?!?”  And then did a little dance.  It took the Second Assistant Manager (the unnaturally cheerful one) a moment to realize that (a) I wasn’t having a seizure and (b) those were happy whooping, hollering and shrieking noises I was making.

I have a week off!  I have a week off!  I have a week off!

And to make sure it stays that way, I’d like to announce to one and all that I will not— will not— be answering my phone this week.  I don’t care if the caller i.d. says The Man is on the other end, I Will.  Not.  Answer.  I will not take the chance that The Store has somehow gotten ahold of The Man’s phone and is using it for their own nefarious purposes.  So if you’re calling me this week, leave a message and if your voice passes my voice analysis software (seriously not taking any chances), I’ll call you back.

So you might be asking yourself what exactly I shall be doing with myself now that I have a week off (I have a week off.  Did I mention that?  Like an entire week.).  Or you might have already moved on to the next blog and that’s all right too because I won’t know the difference.  But in case you were curious, here’s what’s on the agenda:

Write the new chapter I decided last week that Effigy just had to have.

I am so pissed about this.  I mean, I really am.  I was supposed to be doing some housekeeping type edits this week.  Just cleaning up typos and some passive voice issues before I handed off the manuscript to a new potential beta reader (one who— with luck— might actually pan out.  Unlike pretty much everyone else.  You know who you are).  Effigy was supposed to be done.  I wasn’t supposed to be creating more frakking story but it happened anyway.  And while I do ultimately think it’s best for the overall story, I’m currently irritated with myself for taking two giant steps backward when I mean to be moving forward.

But hey— at least I still have a week off.

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Go-To Girl


Sep
12.11

Posted in Random, Work Schmerk | No Comments »

Things at The Store have become very interesting.

What’s that?  You’d like me to define interesting?

Sure.  But in order to do so properly, I’ll have to turn the floor over to my laconic flight school buddy (yes, I was there that day), Hoban “Wash” Washburne.

(I know you know what’s coming next…)

(more…)

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The Good, The Bad and The Funny


Aug
25.11

Posted in It's A Dog's Life, Movies, Random, Work Schmerk, Writing | No Comments »

What’s this?  A new blog entry?  But it’s only been a day since I last posted.  How could this be?  Shouldn’t there be weeks in between posts?  Well, let’s just be grateful for small favors, shall we?

Today’s post, as you may have already gathered from my über clever title, is a bit of a hodgepodge blog as I explore some of the good, bad and funny things I’ve come across in the last day or so.

The Good:

Remember the Problem Scene I’ve been bitching and moaning about for the last millennium or so?  You do?  Great.  Well, guess what.  I kind of finished it.  I mean, it’s not the world’s greatest prose or anything but it’s a good solid draft that I feel comfortable leaving to marinate for a time while I move on to the next Problem Scene.  It’s not much in the way of progress but it still progress.  Woo.  Hoo.

The Bad:

Remember those five hundred shirts I said I had to fold yesterday?  Well, during today’s shift I was told that the Corporate offices had changed their minds and decided to make some other shirts the special deal of the week so I had to undo what I did yesterday and then fold five hundred different shirts.  The silver lining is that the new special shirts were taking up too much space in my stockroom.  Now they’re taking up less.

Yesterday, the Gator Girl (AKA, the Deadest Dog In Deadonia) cemented her status as the Most Evil Malinois In All The Land when she, for no reason apparent to the human eye, decided she hated Big’s left ear and tried to rip it off.  I stopped the fun before it got that far but Big did come away from the attack with an actual physical hole in his ear.  It took me an hour to get the bleeding to stop and then another three hours to scrub all the blood off all the walls, floors, cabinet doors and everything else (including myself) that managed to get hit by the splatter.  My house once again looked like a crime scene.  Dogs’ ears bleed like a sonofabitch.  On the bright side, the bleeding did eventually stop, I didn’t have to make yet another emergency vet visit and now Big can finally get those lovely hoop earrings he’s long coveted.

The Funny:

The sight of me, alone on the sales floor yesterday morning (and obviously forgetting I wasn’t alone in the store), wearing earbuds and singing Florence + The Machine’s Heavy In Your Arms at the top of my lungs. Later, the Floor Supervisor tried to get my attention and ended up scaring me half to death. Fortunately, I sing pretty well. The Floor Supervisor is one of my fans.

I had a lady come into the fitting rooms yesterday who wanted to try on a shirt featured on a mannequin.  The size she needed happened to be on the mannequin so I told her I’d take it off for her.  The woman said, “Great.  I can just steal that one and— Oh.  No, not steal it.  I would never steal it.  I don’t steal things.  I just want to try it on.  I promise.”

And last but not least… This video:

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